Saturday, April 29, 2006

I Hate Vegetrarian Food

It's an old story yet, still highly relevant.

Look, I'm not trying to denounce, decry, or derogate anyone's dietary preference here. I just think that the Devil put vegetarian food here to make me more mindful and suspicious of people's cooking.

I was traumatized by vegetarian food before. Really. Let me explain.

I was strolling down my street on the way home from class in college one afternoon when I felt the ol' Gastronomi Deity cautioning me to appease it with the usual fat-and-oil laden sacrifice. Of which I was more than happy to accommodate.

Near where I used to live in Pee-Jay (near Kay-El) was this food stall aright? And it looked to me like any other food stall on that street.

Silly me.

I sauntered into the stall and with a cursory selection of what looked like normal chicken and pork meats laid out on the food trays, I was promptly served my meal on a plastic plate. It was the noon meal and I was hungry as ****.

God cursed the day it happened. Cuz as soon as I bit into the so-called meat, I nearly had to tap the uncle at the table next to mine for a Heimlich Maneuver and a sledge hammer. The Heimlich for me, the hammer for the cook.

Dammit! That was the worst thing I'd ever tasted. Bar none. I could have sworn it produced drastic chemical and genetic changes in my body. I was thinking, this is vegetarian?! Why'd they even bother in the first place?

I didn't get pass the third bite.

OK fine, I thought. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh on this vegetarian thingie. Maybe that stall just made bad vegetarian food, although I think that phrase represents a double negative. But anyway...

A few weeks later, after getting over that previous episode, I thought, "Oh, maybe it needn't be so bad. Let's go try another place."

So this time, I increased my standards. Instead of eating in an open-air stall by the roadside, I'll go to an air-conditioned restaurant.

Hey, this time, the food was better! I managed 5 bites before hastily calling the waiter over to kick him and ask for the bill.

So, needless to say, I avoided vegetarian food like the plague after that for a loooonnngggg time until....

I had the great luck, blessing and fortune of having some friends from Kay-El visit me in Kay-Kay.

They were a married couple and one single guy who are the nicest and best people you could ever know. And being the nice guy that I am, I offered to take them around the city during their time here.

Sob. They turned out to be the most hardcore vegetarians you can ever meet. I mean, they didn't even touched eggs!

And how long were they in town?

5. Friggin. Days. Breakfast. Lunch. Tea. Dinner. Supper. Every damn day. I felt like a monk after that.

I didn't even suspect there were so many vegetarian places in this town.

Man... I hate vegetarian food.


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